Saying No
Saying No!
It’s such a simple little word — No. Yet it can be so hard to say. And by not saying it,
we create endless problems for ourselves. We do things we really don’t want to do. We deny
our own feelings and beliefs. We fake feelings. We sometimes go against our own morals. We
end up not liking ourselves. We end up not liking the people we are trying to please. All
because we can’t say no. What is going on here? Why is it so hard to say this little
two-letter word? Some common reasons:
·Wanting approval.
·Wanting to be liked or loved.
·Not wanting to hurt others (but it’s okay to hurt ourselves?)
·Avoiding guilt.
·Not wanting to feel bad when we say no to someone who really needs something from us.
·Fear of confrontation.
·Not wanting to bear the emotions of other people’s anger.
When are we going to stand up for ourselves and speak our truth? Well, first we have to
learn how to say no. Say it….No! Yell it. Scream it! Punch the air as you state it. Point
your finger as you shout it! Pound your pillow as you say it. Look in the mirror and say it.
Pull the weeds as you silently say it in your head. No! No! No! How many times do I have to
say No! As many times as you need to until it comes naturally. Until you can say it without
quivering. Until you can say it loudly, forcefully, assertively. Until you really mean it.
Answer the following questions:
1.What are you most afraid of if you start saying no? (That people will disapprove of me, or
that they will think I am selfish, or mean, or bad, or nasty, or cold).
2. Who are you most worried about saying no to? (My mum, my boss, my friend, my kids etc)
3. In what situations do you find it most difficult to say no? (in person, on the phone,
when you are visiting the requester)
Some Hints on saying No:
·Keep it simple: “No, I can’t do that.” “No thank you.” No, I’m not interested.”
·Stay calm and respectful and keep it upbeat: “Thanks anyway!” “Have a nice day!” “Good
luck!”
·When put on the spot, give yourself breathing space: “I will have to think about it and let
you know tomorrow.” “I’ll check with my husband, solicitor, doctor, etc and let you know.”
·Never say: “I’m not sure.” This gives the message that you could be persuaded, and the
other person will probably put pressure on you to get what they want.
·Watch
the feeling pass. Then pat yourself on the back and celebrate!
·Explanations can be useful: “I have certain charities I always support.” “I have some
important work items to attend to today.” “I already have a good home loan.”
Putting it all together:
1.Using your answers above, choose a typical situation when you find it hard to say No. Then, with the
hints above, write a hypothetical response for the situation. Practice saying what you have written. Next time you are confronted by this problem, you will have another way of responding. Write your response on a card that you keep next to the phone or in your bag so you are prepared next time the
situation arises.
2.In the next week, say no to 4 things you would normally agree to. Examples: When the
telemarketer calls, tell them you are not interested; Put on the answering machine during
dinner and refuse to answer any calls; Tell your son you can’t loan him $50; Tell your boss
you can’t work next Saturday. See how you feel afterwards.
This article was written by Barb Aasen and other similar articles can be found on her website http://www.barbaasen.com
Tags: assertiveness, hints on saying no, say no, saying no
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